I Live a Life of Purpose
When the very thing that is driving you to contemplate suicide is the only thing that you’re living for then you have reached a hopeless position. This is where heroin and alcohol in combination with my own stubbornness brought me in 2012. I am not unique, nor do I believe that these internal struggles are what created my addiction. However, i am certain that when I began to experiment with drugs and alcohol in 7th grade something different happened to me than happened to the majority of my friends. I couldn’t stop using once i started, no badly how hard i tried to stop. This didn’t get unmanageable until my drug use escalated in high school. I graduated from weed to Xanax, hydrocodone, morphine, oxycontin and fentanyl. When I hit 18 years of age, I began to sacrifice things that were important to me to satisfy the demands of the drugs. I gave up relationships, baseball, friendships, and dreams to please my need for opiates.At this point, I had lost about 15 friends to a combination of things, including murder, overdose, and suicide. My own father died in front of my family from a heart attack. Regret plagued me. What I would’ve given to do things differently. The past 6 years of heroin use, regret, and resentment was taking a toll on me. I began to plan my suicide via a lethal combination of heroin and cocaine. I wanted out of this life, nothing worked for me. “I am different, I was meant to die a drug addict, no one is truly happy and you’re all faking it” was a common thought. T
here was nothing but pain in this world I decided. This is the point where my story takes a drastic turn. I haven’t really mentioned my mom much at this point, but I can’t even begin to describe what she went through. She watched her son wither away and had to question if she did anything wrong as a mother on a regular basis. She watched me in a psychosis. She questioned her own sanity as much as i questioned mine. She found countless needles and burnt spoons. I can’t even begin to imagine the trauma I imposed on her. Despite all this she held her boundaries. She went to the meetings they told her to. She took their suggestions. She called the cops when I terrorized her and my brother. She kicked me out of her house despite how she felt about it. So, I do have to say this. My mom saved my life and I am eternally grateful for that. I would be dead if it wasn’t for her setting aside her feelings and taking action. She got me into treatment (again) when she thought I was willing and broken enough. I got sober November 27th of 2012 and haven’t looked back since. I took the suggestions (begrudgingly) of those who walked the path before me and before I knew it I wasn’t obsessing about controlling my drug use anymore. It was a miracle. I found my peace. Fast forward back to today. I’m currently writing this in a coffee shop, eating food that I paid for. Down the street is the university I attend where I will graduate in the next year with a degree in psychology. A little bit farther down the road is the treatment center that employees me. It is here that I work with men who struggle with addiction and alcoholism. I am currently getting texts and phone calls from people who want to associate with me or get some advice from. As I look at my planner, I see that I have a trip to Budapest coming up in August with a good friend of mind. Also coming up is a photo shoot I will have to go shopping for. Next month, I will see one of my favorite bands in concert front row. This morning, I woke up and sought God via meditation and prayer, same as I do every day. Yesterday, I sat with a young man who trusts me enough to help him. In a second, I will be taking inventory of some current struggles I have in order to address some objectionable behavior in my life. The other day I had someone tell me that I helped saved their life and that they were grateful for having crossed paths with me. I am tearfully grateful. What the hell happened? God happened. Spirituality happened. A psychic change happened. I live a life of purpose. I live a life where I know that anything can happen for me provided I do the work.